I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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