my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
