This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
