Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
barbara walters just said penis...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
