...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
