I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
