3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
