dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
