I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
