Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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