hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
