I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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