just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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