just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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