I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Slut skills are useful in every country.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
