The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
