remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
