Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
