I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
