do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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