I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
