i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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