I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
