Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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