I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
