the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
