I feel like I'm in dance class right now
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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