How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's blow job season.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
