Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
