When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
