did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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