I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
