This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
