you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
