I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
