A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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