hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
