What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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