No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
