Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Never underestimate the power of titties
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
