I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
