i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I need to calm my uterus...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
