I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
