Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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