Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
