I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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