I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
