with your own penis?
I heard we made out
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
