I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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