if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
